i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.