remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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moms in horror movies
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.