[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
😂💯
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”