Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.