Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?