my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
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me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
#Caturday
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Love this guy
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes