I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
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when dads have a rap battle
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane