My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.