I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]