If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2