Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok