[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.