I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Fries, not lies.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger