You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.