Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
im 7 sauces long
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]