Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Ah yes. The three genders
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
This is amazing.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I think I’ll stand
No chill.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”