Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.