Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
You Might Also Like
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
stop
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*