[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no