DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
For those that worship cheese..
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.