[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.