Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.