In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first