The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
True statement👍😏😁
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light