Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.