One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.