[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
whatcha thinkin bout
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.