[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
when nothing goes right… go left
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets