I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
You Might Also Like
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.