How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
what the
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”