Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.