Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
smh
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…