Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?