They grow up so quick
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Terribly Tuesday.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Hotels are back
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.