Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You Might Also Like
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”