‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant