A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.