The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.