There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No