whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
What in the hipster hell is going on here
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.