*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.