every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire