Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
peep davidson
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
synchronized noseblowing