[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
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time for some seasonal decor
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.