me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky