[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
The answer is funnier than the question
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.