After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
me: my friends:
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.