Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
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8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Death certificates are our last participation award.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!