*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
You Might Also Like
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”