Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Meme Monday.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.